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Since monday, things have felt, increasingly weird.
I don't know how to explain it, I don't even understand it, but then again, what is there to really understand about this world and the way life works? Things are never meant to be easy, some things can be changed while other things you have to accept and some things are just never meant to make sense to begin with. Those are the mysteries of life and death I suppose.
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I lead a pretty poor excuse of a life, almost always the same routine, though lately I have been questing to change that. But my routine consists of this, waking up, letting the cats and dog out, taking a piss and usually a shower and then getting dressed and sitting myself down in front of this computer for most of the day, then my mum comes home from work, we talk a little, watch tv, eat dinner - all this while I still sit here are this computer typing my life away - and then I eventually make myself get up and go to bed. Then I wake up and do pretty much the same thing all over again.
I never use to be like this. I use to be the type of kid who would wake up in the morning, get dressed and then go out and play with his friends, go riding on bikes, piss off a bull - I use to live in a semi country town - then go off and do some more crap for the rest of the day until I finally tire myself out and come home. But then my life was changed by an event that I could have easily avoided if I had used just a little of my brain mass.
I was twelve years old and I got the smart idea to ride down a hill - and when I say hill, I mean a steep mother fucking hill that you could trip and snap your neck on if you fell and rolled down the fucking thing - and the back brakes on my mountain bike failed on me, and I went out in front of car that hit me and I was lucky enough to only sustain a broken leg. My thymur to be more exact which is the largest bone in the body and the most difficult to heal.Anyway I spent four months in hospital, flat on my back, unable to get out of bed and do anything.
After I got out, my life flat out turned to crap. I lost all self confidences in myself and my abilities, I was always afraid of rebraking my leg and so I stopped playing soccer and while I still ride bikes, I certainly don't have the same liking for them anymore. Whats more when I entered highschool a year later, I barely made it through the year, constantly being teased about my limp - My left leg is an inch shorter then my right because it stopped growing while it was healing - and about my weight - I've lost a far bit of weight since though.
When I started my second year of highschool, I couldn't cope and so I left to do a sort of home school which I did until my third year of "highschool" and then I stopped doing that too and I became a highschool drop out who sits at home all day, typing various things, stories, plots, character profiles, posts, journal entries while getting paid two hundred dollars a fortnight from the government - A type of pension.
I'm 18 now, and while I have some great friends and great family - with the exception of my father and his side of the family, all of whom I despise and wish would disappear into thin air so i don't have to think about them - I am a very lonely person. I'm not good in social gathering type situations like parties or going out and I'm only comfortable around two or four people at the most. I turn to Anime, Manga, Books, Movies, Games, my stories and most importantly, the interenet to keep me entertained. I am thankful that through the interenet I have made some wonderful friend, though I have made my fair share of enemies too.
I'm sick of it all though. I'm sick of my same routine. I'm sick of being uncomfortable. I'm sick of being lonely. I'm sick of wasting my time. I'm sick of not being able to complete one of my own stories....And I'm sick of not being scared.
I want to change things in my life, I want to instill confidence in myself so I can actually do things, go out and have fun with my friends, find a girlfriend, shit I'd even settle for a one night stand at this point.
I have started a change though, but its not big, but its a start. I have joined my friends local D&D group - Dungeons and Dragons - after they invited me to come play - Yes I realize that its geeky, but I love RPG type games.
Maybe thats why I feel weird. Maybe its just because I've made a change.....Or maybe I can just feel my life wearing thin from all the stress I have put myself through, all the hopeful wishing anf the what ifs of my life.
Really, I just want to find my soulmate and have my happily ever after......but I'm really starting to lose faith in love or fate, or entwined destines in which two people can find and fall in love with each other with just one look. I really doubt I'll ever find someone who can love me.
I know, I'm pathetic......
